My goodness it's been a long time! Over a year, at least. I can't say I'm back for good but I can probably say that anyone who might have read this is in the past is long gone. It seems like everyone up and left LJ and I wasn't around to find out where they went. The blogging thing seems to have taken its second rise and I've been thinking of how I want to set up my own. It will help with getting the type of professional writing/ editing jobs available around here as well.
Anyway... life. It actually sucks pretty bad right now. That says better than anything else what I mean. My health has finally started to improve. Lost some weight, exercising regularly, diabetes better ... but I'm losing my insulin pump because I can't afford supplies ($1000 annual deductible WTF???). Back to pens I go and hopefully I can finally take responsibility again.
I'm going to grad school for Masters of Education and teacher certification in high school English. I'm still not sold on whether this is a waste of money or not (I never ever wanted to teach) but I'm taking a practicing class this fall so I suppose I'll find out then. Problem? It's costing me over $650 a month. That hurts.
Devin and I are falling apart. We've been together for almost nine and a half years but I'm so unhappy. He lives with me at my parents house since last November because his family is psycho. He had a brain aneurysm at 28 last August. He got laid off from his job right before Thanksgiving. It started out great being together all the time. He went to truck driving school to get his CDL and was supposed to go over the road for a while. He failed the physical because of his aneurysm though. He's just been collecting unemployment checks since then instead of getting any job he can so we can get the hell out of my parent's house. Tensions rise, especially when I don't say anything but get upset anyway.
I don't blame him.. entirely. We're both to blame. I happen to be going through another looney phase though. This tends to occur in cycles. I noticed the onset a couple months ago. I could feel it coming. Oh fuck, I'm going to go crazy again. I could feel the anxious ticks and the panic behind my chest. Mood swings progressively became more prevalent so that they don't seem as drastic to me but I'm well aware that I have absolutely no control over my emotions. None at all. This isn't good and I am concerned but whatever. I just have to hang strong and ride it out I guess. I just wish Devin were more persistent in getting me to talk. I understand it is his job to drag the words out of me. It has to be frustrating but I explained what's going on inside my head in a letter and he never talked to me about it. He asks me what's wrong and I'm like, I told him. Nothing new happens. It just happens in different intensities and today I sincerely wanted to die.
Whenever I try to seriously talk to Devin about my mental problems he just passes them off as not serious. They're nothing. I'm fine. He won't talk about it even after I opened the conversation so it makes it hard for me to start the conversation again.
I don't know what to do but I guess I'll figure out something...
Lame return, I know. but The only reason I ever started this journal was to post nonsense like this that I could never say to anyone I know. You get the mind dribble now!!
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